An Open Note to Dog Walkers


I have b!tched about this before, AND I’m gonna do it again … WHAT THE *$#% is wrong with dog walkers ?!  This is the sight that greeted the wife and I on our first walk of the season at Stephen’s Gulch (an otherwise lovely walk just north of Bowmanville).  Trust me, it’s worth much more than the lousy twoonie.

And then we saw this at the base of that post :

Yes, those are bags of dog SH!T … SIX of them !  Then we began our walk up the trail, only to encounter 2 bags of dog SH!T right in the middle of the trail.

Then, as we communed with Nature, taking in the sights, sounds, and scents, I snapped the picture below … can anyone see what’s wrong with it ?

Yes, that’s a bag of dog sh!t hanging from the branches in the middle of the frame.  The color of the bag doesn’t show up here, but it was a brilliant shade of blue, almost rivalling the beautiful cerulean shade of the sky on that gorgeous early Spring morning.  With one minor exception … the sky wasn’t full of dog SH!T !! 

Then, as we completed our walk, we strolled past this sign :

The next image is of the back of that same sign :

Yes, those are bags of dog SH!T.  Four of them.

That’s 13 bags of dog SH!T per 3 km trail.  On average, that’s one bag of dog SH!T per 230.78 meters, OR 1 bag of dog SH!T every 300 steps, OR 1 bag of dog SH!T every 4.5 minutes of walking.

Now, you just gotta figure there’s a rant of monumental proportions headed your way doncha ?

Well, you’re wrong.  I’m not gonna fly off the handle or cuss up a storm.  I’m gonna coolly and calmly determine the root cause.  In the past, what annoyed the Helloutya while strolling through a park or walking a trail ?  Stepping in a pile of some idiot’s dog’s SH!T right ?  OK, so municipalities (which are a form of Government after all, and therefore, don’t know SH!T from shoeshine themselves) in their infinite wisdom passed decrees where dog owners were responsible to “stoop and scoop”.  I won’t go into how I can’t imagine how 2mils of flexible plastic between the hands you eat with, and a fresh steaming mass of dog’s excrement is anymore disgusting, than carrying the sealed bag Home for disposal.  No, I won’t even mention that.  I’ll remain calm and cool whilst continuing to reason this out.  Nor will I mention the suggestion the wife made about “bagging and leaving” your dog’s poop being the result of a mis-guided belief in a legendary poop-fairy who flutters around parks and trails, gathering up bags of animal poop and depositing quarters under the pillows of the good little girls and boys who leave the bags for him. Nope, I won’t go on about that.

I believe the problem is akin to the CFL (compact fluorescent lamp) boondoggle.  That would be the one where idiots without a first clue passed legislation to ram environmentally (remember, we’re part of the environment too) irresponsible CFLs down our throats.  Anyone with more than a grade 10 chemistry education knows fluorescent bulbs contain mercury vapour.  Anyone with more than 20 minutes lifespan knows humans are the most negligent A-Holes this planet has ever spawned.  Combine those two short-comings and waddayaget ? A whole lot of CFLs being thrown in the garbage. The next stop ? Your metabolism. We just don’t think before doing anything do we ?

So, unlike the CFL issue, I’ve given this much thought. I suggest we abandon the “stoop and scoop” thing and try something else. So, what was the problem in the first place ?  No one wants to step in dog SH!T.  Also, as the sign above states, “Stay on Trail”.  So, I submit this idea.  What if we forget all the handling of poop, and support the carrying of a hockey stick or golf club ?  That way, when Fido does a deed on the trail, the owner can fling it into the woods like a slap-shot hockey move.  You could switch out “Stoop and Scoop” for “Slap the Crap” ! That way, the trail’s clear, and if anyone wanders into the woods (off the trail) they get everything they deserve. A golf club would suffice for the more sophisticated dog walker.  Once Sir Crapsalot drops a steamer beside Thurston Howell III, the number 4 Wood can be brought into service.  Or perhaps a putter if it’s a Shii-Tzu (get it ? Yeah).  In this case the player could replace “Foooore !” with “Feeeeces !” before swinging. Instead of a “birdy” he could score a “doggy”, or maybe a crappy !  OOOOOOh that gives me another idea.  This one for fishermen. Maybe if we … hmmmm, I’ll have to think that one over a bit more.

I’ll finish this with a serious request.  If you are a dog walker, please, please, please, leave a comment at the bottom of this posting explaining why you feel compelled to preserve your animal’s SH!T in a polymer wrapper for display from a tree, a sign, or any kind of publically accessed landmark for all to see, including yourself, assuming you intend to return to the same (formerly) lovely place you just defiled.  Perhaps from that, we can determine exactly what in the Hell is wrong with you.



  1. Spitfire · · Reply

    Personal beef with parks that expects one to drive home with dog shit in ones car…perhaps receptacles would be a great idea…just a thought! 🙂


  2. Hi Spitfire,
    Many Conservation Authorities are removing waste receptacles and CLOCA (Stephen’s Gulch) is one of them. They simply can’t afford to service them anymore. Destitute citizens who can’t afford the $2.75/week for curbside garbage pick-up have to drive their Lexus to the parks to dump their household waste. Some CAs still provide them but you can’t see them past the dilapidated deck furniture, microwave ovens,bent venetian blinds, mattresses, construction waste, and such that surround them once they’re full. I too would like to see waste receptacles containing Tim Horton cups, energy bar wrappers, and dog poop bags alone, but I fear that ain’t never gonna happen.
    Good to hear from you bud,


  3. bushwasher's Lil Sis · · Reply

    Sadly its like anything else, irresponsible people ruin things for those that are responsible. I have carried many a bag of poop, taken it home. Put in the garbage bin. It angers me that others can’t do the same. This keeps up and next thing to happen is….there will be no place left where a person can walk/run their dog all because of a few jerks that can’t be bothered. If you took the time to pick it up, then cart it out. As the rule says…what you cart in…you cart out. Here’s an idea for those that are too darn lazy to cart it out….tie the bag of poop to your dogs’ collar or leash….after all its the dog’s poop..let them cart it out…but cart it out!


  4. Heay LilSis,
    Thanks for the comment. I just can’t figure how picking up dog crap in ones hand and carrying it for 3 km to drop it at a trailhead for all users to endure is OK, but placing it in your car trunk and taking it Home for disposal is any more gross. Seriously, I’d rather they take a stick and fling it off the trail and just forget it.


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