1) Thou shalt not kill.
WHAT ? Even if we catch him red-handed dumping garbage on our trails ? That sucks ! Screw this, I’m leaving my options open.
2) Thou shalt not lie.
Aw, now that’s just being silly. Lying is a part of the cycle of Life. Where would Christmas morning fun be without it ?
3) Thou shalt use the Lord’s name in vain only under certain extenuating circumstances.
Stepping out of the truck and sliding down a ditch. Falling on your butt trying to reach that “best cluster of elderberries ever seen”. Slamming the truck door on your thumb. Breaking through the ice and getting a soaker. There are all kinds of reasons to mention your particular brand of familiarity with the Lord’s name …
4) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife’s ass.
Thou hast never seen either of my neighbours’ wifes’ asses have you ? This Commandment presents no challenge whatsoever.
5) Thou shalt not commit adultery.
I already told ya about the neighbour’s wife’s asses didn’t I ? And quite frankly, I’m too tired and old to wander much further than that to commit … any damned thing anyway.
6) Remember the Wednesday and keep it holy … and clear of plans or appointments.
Wednesdays are 2 Old Guys’ day. Every Wednesday we get together. Rain or shine, blizzard or clear skies, hot or cold, doesn’t matter. Eg) my hairdresser, my Doctor, and my Dentist, all know better than to even suggest a Wednesday appointment. When the angels of Hell come for my soul, they’d better not make it a Wednesday ‘cause I’m fully prepared to kick some demonic ass.
7) Thou shalt keep thine opinions to thyself, as that doth be mistaken for wisdom.
A man of few words, or the strong silent type, are desirable descriptors most men would desire being described as. But noooOOOOooooo, you had to go and let that idiotic TV ad make you lose it, and you blurted out something insensitive, unfair and intolerant (in the opinions of all the younger, &/or opposing genders within earshot). Your best bet ? Keep your yap shut. Don’t even answer if asked for an opinion. ‘Cause no one really wants to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion … coming outa your yap, so just keep it shut. That way you’ll stay outa trouble, annoy the Hell outa them, and appear wise to boot ! Come to think of it … maybe keeping your opinions to yourself is wise.
8) Thou shalt not taketh sides in a dispute between the wife and her sister, for this path leadeth through the valley of the shadow of death.
If the wife wants to kidney vent over the thoughtless, stupid, useless Birthday gift her sister gave her … SHUT UP ! Don’t defend the sister or the gift as that puts you in the enemy’s camp. And for the luvachrist man , don’t think for an instant you can side with her, and bad-mouth her sister. ‘Cause … “That’s my sister you’re talking about !” are the last words you ever wanna hear coming outa her mouth regardless of what she’s feeling about her sister at that particular moment. Just sit there, quietly nodding with an expression of deep contemplation on your face. Try thinking about which is better : steak or beer. That’ll give you a look that she’ll mistake as you giving a rat’s ass about what she’s going on about this time.
9) Thou shalt not get caught thinking about steak and beer during the wife’s rant.
Do I really need to explain this one ? If you’re thinking too hard about it, instead of a deeply contemplative look, you’ll come across looking like a horny St. Bernard, and that isn’t gonna work for ya either.
10) Thou shalt honour thy friends and loved ones without question, without failure.
Heay ! You knew at least one of them had to be serious didn’t ya ?