GAWD ! I loved them ! We’d see four incredibly virile, healthy, young 30-something guys, all holding impressively masculine poses on a front porch somewhere in Cooltown Ontario with beers in hand (labels facing the camera please). Their dogs were well behaved, as were their hot as Hell Barbie-doll wives. They weren’t jumping around and barking at every damned thing in sight, nor trying to hump anyone’s leg (I mean the dogs, not the wives). We assume they’re wives, but we’re never made sure of the relationships with those women. But there’s no doubt, them beer-swilling boys is getting lucky tonight ! As an added bonus, there’s none of those troublesome offspring that so often accompany beer-swilling 30-somethings and their (very soon not to be) hot as Hell Barbie-doll wives.
Just as you begin to doubt such a town could exist, a couple of old folks walk by with a smile and a friendly wave to the virile, well-laid, beer swilling boys of the ‘80s. Then you KNOW it’s gotta be real, ‘cause old folks just love having horny, drunken, 30-somethings next door swilling beer all afternoon. ‘Cause it won’t get louder and wilder as the day passes into night and the beer-swilling boys of the ‘80s transgress into pathetically competitive high-school football team has-beens, ‘cause that never happens. Not in Cooltown anyway.
But then, old folks are like that, very trusting and patient with young people. They don’t get cantankerous and bitchy. They’re always friendly and subservient, just like the gelded mailman who smiles at the Barbie-doll wife with zero lust in his eyes and heart, as he hands her the visa bill for those sweet ass-huggin’ Stepford Wife capris she’s sporting. Her husband (whose name just has to be Chet) smiles knowingly to the mail eunuch while casting that look that says “Yeah, me getting’ some tonight, loser” as he tips his bottle (label facing the camera please) to the subordinate civil servant. Everyone casts a friendly wave to him as he continues with his work and the beer drinkers of Cooltown settle back into their chairs (wives in hand now) and swill more beer (labels facing the camera please).
I love Cooltown. I’d love to live there. Hell, I’d settle for being one of the old folks walking past ! It’d be idyllic even at that level. With any luck Chet would have a few too many and pass out on Barbie, leaving her to prowl the neighbourhood is search of … Old Guy ?
Ya gotta love a great ad campaign eh ?