You May be an Old Guy If

One of my favourite reminiscences during the Jeff Foxworthy “redneck craze” was my cousin Dave. Foxworthy suggested “You might be a redneck if any member of your family has died immediately after saying HEAY WATCH THIS!”

My cousin Dave, seated on his motorcycle, on the crest of a granite precipice, uttered these words some twenty years before Foxworthy was born, “Heay cousin Bushwhacker, WATCH THIS!” Then, for reasons known only to him and the self-destructive demon which possessed his soul, he promptly drove off the cliff. I had no idea, at the time, why.  Nor am I any the wiser today (not to worry, he survived it, and is actually retiring soon I hear).   With that story shared, I’d like to present you with an Old Guy variation on Foxworthy’s theme.


You May Be An Old Guy If :

You find “The Champ” funny.  Technically, you’re an old guy if you even know who The Champ is.  I’m not referring to the Jon Voigt movie. The Champ was a character created by the Nova Scotia comedy team McLean & McLean, which was licensed to New Brunswicker “Brother Jake Edwards” a radio personality who gave the Champ his characteristic, unmistakeable gravelly voice.  It’s not so much that you gotta be old to have heard The Champ.  It’s just that, you gotta be an old guy, to find him funny.  I know most young guys don’t find the Champ funny … ‘course, neither do women.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just Google “the champ radio”.  If he makes you laugh, you’re an old guy.  If not, you’re a woman, or some other kind of creature who don’t know what funny is.  _____________________________________________________________________________________

You May Be An Old Guy If :

You start saying stuff like “when you stop looking, you’re dead”.  Ranger and I have a perspective dissimilarity on the fairer gender.  Ranger is of the belief that a man shouldn’t find any female attractive unless she’s within a reasonable dating age range as oneself.

I, on the other hand, figure a 60 or 70 year old Old Guy, has no better chance of enticing a 50 something any more than he has a chance at a 20 something. So go ahead and look ‘em over at whatever age you wish.   ‘Cause lookin’ ‘em over is all you’re ever gonna get, all you can afford, and quite frankly more than you could handle anyway.  So just take it, and lie to yourself about how “I used to tap stuff like that”.  Sure you did Pops.  Whatever.


You May Be An Old Guy If :

While searching for something in your truck you find no less than 6 lighters, an ultra-stale half-pack of smokes, a jacket, numerous magazines, 2 bottles of bug spray, and a hat.

None of which are yours.

That’s just an “off the top of my head” list of the things Ranger has left in my truck.  So, you may be an old guy if you hang with another old guy who forgets stuff.  By the same token, Ranger might suggest you hang with an old guy if you find a 10.1 Samsung Galaxy Tab on your dining room table, which isn’t yours either.  I searched the house and damn-near tore my truck apart looking for that damned thing before I remembered where I left it.  _____________________________________________________________________________________

You May Be An Old Guy If :

You see an article in an antique shop that you remember from childhood.  This has happened to anyone over 40 whose ever been in an antique shop. The only positive is that the articles are virtually worthless. So they (and we) can’t be that old, right ?  ‘Fraid not.  Just being old doesn’t make anything more valuable (don’t we all bloody-well know that eh ?).  The age of an article has next to nothing to do with its value. Rarity and original value are the determining factors here.  Unless you were raised in a household where as a child you ate afternoon escargots from a Royal Albert plate, nothing from your childhood had (then nor now) any value.  You can purchase a coin over 2,000 years old for under twenty dollars, or you can purchase a coin under 20 years old for over $2,000.  If you were raised in a household where as a child you ate afternoon escargots from a Royal Albert plate, then the last thing of value to you is the run-down, worn-out old family estate.  The personal fortune your ancestors amassed is all that interests you.  That’s why we paupers can buy your family’s old furniture, lamps, clothes, etc etc.  Come to think of it, if you were raised in a household where as a child you ate afternoon escargots from a Royal Albert plate … screw you !!


You May Be An Old Guy If :

You see nothing wrong with wearing dress socks with running shoes and shorts.  For the last few closing years of my career, I was constantly (playfully) criticized by a young fellow who expressed considerable concern for my personal attire.  Me wearing dress socks with runners and shorts upset Patrick no end.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I pulled the dress socks up to my knees or nuthin’.  I thought I did a pretty good job of bunching them up down low near the shoes, but apparently not.  Surprisingly, I realized the merits of sports socks some time after I’d retired.  I’m gonna someday drop in to visit my old workplace and show Patrick my new “girly socks”.  I’ll tell him they’re because of him, but the fact is, they’re incredibly cool in the Summer heat.  Seriously guys, those “no top” girly socks have such a cooling effect on the feet, that I won’t go a Summer without them now.  _____________________________________________________________________________________

You May Be An Old Guy If :

You remember being outraged when a case of 2-4 (case of 24 bottles of beer) rose to $5.00 even.  Outrageous !! we cried !  Highway robbery ! Government rip-off !  ‘Course, we couldn’t bitch too loud ‘cause none of us were legal age (19 years old) at the time anyway.  My uncle Peter told me that if I started to shave my face even when I had no whiskers, I would grow them soon enough.  And he was right.  What he didn’t tell me was that I’d be shaving it for the rest of my Life from then on.  At least it served the purpose of getting me into bars, the Beer Store, and the LCBO “early”. Up until I could grow facial hair, we relied upon a Satan’s Choice gang member who hung around the Salvation Army Youth Centre on Thursday nights.  He charged us next to nothing for the favour.  We thought it was because he was cool.  Less than a year later, we were shocked to learn that he most definitely was not.  Dumbass kids eh ?

I also remember my Dad, while sitting at the dinner table one night flying into a rage and pronouncing “They won’t be happy ‘til it’s a dollar a gallon”.  Referring to gasoline prices he was.

Another dinnertime topic.  While my greatest concern was how to get rid of that zit on my chin before my date, my Dad pointed out that if we were Americans, I’d be in Viet Nam getting my ass shot at that particular moment.  Guess I oughta be grateful I made it to Old Guy status eh ?  HAH !


Just a few thoughts on what it is, to be an Old Guy.



  1. This might qualify me as an old guy: I just bought a 40-year old backpack (Kelty Sonora), and fully intend to use it, only because I remember it from my childhood as being completely awesome. And it was! In 1977. (I’m still going to use it.)


    1. What the heay Bill ? We were all awesome in 1977 weren’t we ?!


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